United for Democracy

Explanation based on the four phases of a narcissistic relationship

Phase 4: Bend or break
During the relationship, the narcissist will push his partner’s boundaries further and further. He will try to feed his victim just enough to stay with him and be useful to him, but takes his demands, unreasonableness and fits of rage to the extreme and just a little over. His partner will often wish to escape but will still be drawn back into the net.

An invisible prison
I was so flexible, yielded so much that my narcissistic ex-partner’s behavior became extreme. He turned into a kind of caricature of the person he was trying to be and when irritated he was quite terrifying. One day he reached the limit and I immediately crossed it myself, hit him and decided there and then that I didn’t want to be that person. He could be anything he wanted, but I couldn’t live with what I became. That was the key to the prison. The next morning I left him decisively.

Outsiders might at some point be unable to understand what you see in the narcissist. He can be hideous and he can show the ugliest behavior, humiliate you in front of others. Sooner or later you will defend him to other people, even very fiercely. It feels uncomfortable. Because you are ashamed of him even though he’s demanding you shouldn’t be and you want him to love you, respect you, adore you again. There comes a time when he keeps asking who you spoke to and what you said about him. If you lie, he will immediately notice it and continue questioning you until you break down, tell him the truth, apologizing and feeling ashamed about yourself. So you avoid talking to people about your partner. He might as well be looking over your shoulder. You are in an invisible prison. You cannot love a narcissist; it doesn’t get to him. He understands only loyalty and he demands it, in all circumstances.

Loyalty
When you have to defend him all the time, you secretly start to wonder why he is being so ugly after he once told you that you have something so beautiful together. How can he be so cruel after he said he loves you so much? The excuses you use:
He doesn’t mean it.
He is not having his day, maybe something happened, someone else insulted or hurt him.
He can’t help it; I provoked it; I’m not good enough.
Just like the narcissist, you will find it very important to show perfection to the outside world. You will do that in your loyalty. The only difference is that you have to and want to put in the effort. You believe in him and that he is perfect. Others don’t understand that and it’s you and him against the rest of the world.

If you have to admit that he is not perfect, that the relationship is based on lies, manipulation and deception, your life will fall apart. So you try helplessly to bend to his demands and whims. He stole everything that you are and mentally you are a wreck left. You no longer know who you are. For me, the moment came when I suddenly realized who I was not. Shortly before, he had asked in a teasing tone where the gifted woman was he had once met, just after a narcissistic tantrum. And he cheated right under my nose. Then I gave that blow that he deserved but this was not something for me as a person to give. There I bowed back, the echo of his question still ringing in my ears. That made my escape possible. As he bent me even further and I broke, he snapped like a twig. Because without this hostess there would be no more food for the parasite.

Real
When you dare to fail, and can accept yourself just as you are, with all your qualities and flaws, you are the narcissist’s boss. My narcissist thought his greatest virtue was “being real”. Hilarious because if there’s one thing a narcissist can’t, it’s being real. For that you have to be whole and not hide your undesirable traits in a basement with a closed door after which you have thrown away the key.

Donald John Trump is also seen by the MAGA cult as someone who is ‘so real’. Because he is not a politician. They think that because he is not a politician, he must have pure intentions. They will defend him fiercely as he destroys everything they hold dear. Because when they have to admit that he is not real, not sent by God, the story of the strictly religious MAGA circle, their lives fall apart. So we have to wait until their environment has broken down so much that they themselves start to break. Or can we intervene? If so, how can we do that?

Block and ignore
The majority makes a democracy. Whether it is a narcissist in the family, at work or as leader of a country, he is only as powerful as the number of people who bend and go along with his madness. Even as a journalist discusses his insane behavior and tries to understand why he does it, listening to the bendy puppets around him who will fiercely defend him, the narcissist feels the loyalty of his victims, remains nourished and active. When the majority stops listening, ignores his actions, disobeys orders, turns away from him, only then can the tide turn.

When you let go of a narcissist, he will try in every way to get your attention. This is what we call “hoovering”. He will try to charm and idealize you, act pitiful, even cry, say that something bad has happened to him and ask you to come help him. Then he will attack you for being disloyal, throw tantrums, make threats. You are not allowed to go into that. Not even a rejection message. You have to block and continue to ignore the narcissist to stay loose.

You can keep the narcissist at a distance by restoring relationships with family and friends outside of the narcissist’s bubble. They will be able to help you recover as you share your story and listen to theirs about how they saw you get stuck in the narcissist’s prison. Your dearest friends will help you get things back into perspective, acknowledge your ex is a crazy person, not you. Ex MAGA members also need the perspective and acceptance of the ones outside of the cult to heal and keep out of the net of Trump and his flying monkeys.

Depending on MAGA
A narcissist cannot survive as the parasite he is without another human being who gives him an identity. He cannot exist without a pedestal that can only be built by recognizing the beautiful qualities of another. Trump is no one at all without the position of leader of the United States and he is dependent on the MAGA who put him there and confirm him. The right-wing extremists, the strict religious organizations, the oligarchs, keep him there because they cannot take Trump’s position. It is Donald Trump’s narcissistic possession of millions of Americans that allows them to carry out their agenda, through him. He gives access and as his power increases, he inflates himself further, drawing attention. However, the majority of citizens do not want him as a leader. And if MAGA breaks, the cult falls apart, he will no longer be fed.

An unfed narcissist mostly falls into depression and that is okay. Only then can he be handled, rendered harmless and, perhaps with very intensive psychiatric help, can he still find himself. That rarely happens. People like Donald Trump and Wladimir Putin have already achieved so much power that recovery is almost unattainable. We can only ignore them with as many people as possible and refuse to give them their way. We can only protect the vulnerable people and former followers who become detached from their environment.

If you leave a narcissist while you have children, make sure you have evidence of narcissistic behavior before you leave. Make audio recordings of his manipulation, pushing boundaries and narcissistic rages, as well as your reaction and that of your child(ren). You can tell from your reaction that he is the narcissist. After physical abuse, take pictures, report it, get help. Find a specialist on narcissism and have them review the evidence. With that proof you can hopefully ensure that your ex partner does not have access to the children after a divorce. This also applies to the bigger picture, a larger group, a country.

What can we do?
To the people of the United States: civil servants, police, military, don’t do what doesn’t feel just and right. Ignore orders; resist. Don’t think, they’ll fire me and the next one will do what they want. Slow down the process, every bit of resistance is worth it.

Everyone, collect evidence of what is happening around you that is wrong. Film it, make sound recordings, take photos, save documents, secure it, document it, if necessary with someone outside your area who you can trust.

Do you live in the middle of a MAGA community and you are awake: save money that no one can reach and if you can, flee to a blue state. During the elections you had codes to let eachother know that you wanted to vote for Harris. Mobilize yourself within the MAGA environment, collect evidence of abuses together. Organize and resist or flee.
Americans in a democratic environment, protect each other, take care of the vulnerable and protect refugees from the MAGA cult. Help each other. Furthermore, you can ignore Trump and his cult, try to sabotage actions by the current government, collect evidence, document it and share it with aid organizations abroad.

People in democratic countries: be open to American citizens. Listen to the resistance fighters. Help them document and safe evidence. Give them your support.

Democratic leaders: ignore Donald Trump and other narcissistic leaders/dictators. Don’t negotiate with them. That is not possible. Establish connections with the resistance in the United States, strengthen aid organizations that can intervene to help civilians and collect evidence. Strengthen your own democracy. Putin has influence everywhere by spreading disinformation and supporting election campaigns of right-wing extremist political parties. Ban foreign donations or donations whose origin cannot be traced (crypto) to political parties and politicians. Purchase teaching materials to teach children and adults how to deal with disinformation (on the internet).

Finally, journalists: give Trump as little attention as possible. Write and show only the bizarre facts and ignore the MAGA. Don’t pay them any attention because they ensure more attention for their narcissistic leader Trump. Instead, interview resistance fighters and politicians who can help the country get back on its feet, for example Bernie Sanders, Robert Reich, Joe Walsh, Kyle Kulinski, Mary Trump, the people of Meidas Touch or of Occupy Democrats.

It will not be easy and will take a lot of time and energy. But it is possible and worth the fight so let’s get started.